


crashing

by cydbys



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Introspection, Kendall Centric, M/M, Requited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, Romcom style cheesiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 06:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13583901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cydbys/pseuds/cydbys
Summary: James gets offered a movie deal and signs so fast Kendall's head spins.That's the one that gets him, truly. James is staying and he's leaving, and if that's not a retreat Kendall doesn't know what one is. They couldn't have made this decision at a worse time, not when Kendall's half confession is laying thick in the California air.





	crashing

It wasn't going to last forever. 

Kendall knew that better than anyone. But suddenly, he's helping his mom and Katie pack cardboard boxes and everyone is quiet, so quiet because they don't have it in them to say goodbye. 

(Going home wasn't supposed to feel like defeat, but suddenly Kendall doesn't know what victory could mean anymore.) 

Logan is going to start working towards becoming a doctor. "Finally." He says, and Carlos wraps his arms around him. Kendall knows them both well enough to notice that their smiles don't quite meet their eyes. Carlos is going home too, but he won't stay. Kendall knows that by now, knows that Carlos will bounce between the three of them like a ping pong ball. 

James gets offered a movie deal and signs so fast Kendall's head spins. 

That's the one that gets him, truly. James is staying and he's leaving, and if that's not a retreat Kendall doesn't know what one is. They couldn't have made this decision at a worse time, not when Kendall's half confession is laying thick in the California air. 

Katie tells him he's being an idiot, that he should stay, that he should stop burning bridges. Kendall ignores her, stands in the doorway of their hollowed out apartment and doesn't let himself think about it. 

(That spot on the floor there, where the couch had been, where James had traced the lines on the palm of his hand and promised him a long life. Kendall had asked about heart lines, and James had gently closed his fingers back with a smile.) 

(The kitchen counter, where James had sat and played commentator to Kendall's attempts at learning to cook. James had put on some upbeat song Kendall didn't like very much but couldn't resist dancing to. James had slid down the counter to face him, and they'd jumped and laughed until the song ended, and then they were catching their breath, pressed far too close, and the next song was a slow one.) 

(Then, on the elevator ride down, he remembers that moment half a year ago. They'd been fighting, not seriously, at first, but James never knew when to stop and Kendall was just mad enough to remind James that the only reason he'd turned his life upside down was for him. The ride wasn't that long, but when the door slid open it was to Kendall pressed against the wall, James all angry and close to his face, the dropping feeling in Kendall's stomach not only caused by the ride.) 

(Then there's the pool, and Kendall's thinking sweaty James, shirtless James, James holding his head under water, taste of chlorine and feeling of sunlight and James, James, James.) 

He's got to get to the airport. He's got to say goodbye. 

It crashes against him that James won't be there, that James was busy, had said his rushed goodbyes the night before with a half hearted hug. 

He takes a sharp turn, and drives until the sides of the road are sand instead of dirt. He rolls up the ends of his jeans and slips off his shoes, walks until he finds a mostly vacant spot and starts to wade out. 

Looking out over the ocean, it really dawns on him that he's leaving California. He wishes, suddenly and terribly, that he'd come to the beach more often when he had the chance. 

(A week ago, James grabbing his wrist and pulling him into a car, driving both of them here while Kendall whined about missing the cold from behind his sunglasses. Their hands kept brushing because James couldn't drive with both hands on the wheel and Kendall knew this but left their hands pinky to pinky on the center console anyway. They'd put jackets down on the beach and it was too early in the day for many people to be out, so Kendall felt safe in the way he let their shoulders brush. He could smell sea salt and James's cologne and one second everything is normal and the next Kendall's letting his knee fall against James's knee and he has something to say, they both know it, and he's terrified that James is going to make him say it. James nods like he gets it without hearing a word, wraps an arm around Kendall's shoulders. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Kendall asked. Just a week ago, it had only been a slim possibility. James hadn't signed a single paper, and none of the boxes were packed. 

"No." James said, too open and honest. 

Kendall stood up, pulled James up with him. "I want to leave." He said. "But I don't want to leave you." 

"Just me?" James had asked, a little teasing, a little desperate. 

"No." Kendall said. "But mostly you." They let that sit for a minute, both reveling in the little honesty they'd allowed themselves. "Are you ready to go back?" 

"Never. Let's move here, we can sleep on the sand every night and watch the sunset over the water." 

Kendall laughed and whispered, "Let's just go swimming instead." 

"It's too cold." 

"California cold is nothing. But fine, let's head back." 

"Race you to the car." 

"You're on.") 

The sun was setting now, just like in James's fantasy, except this was a picture of Kendall alone. He's lost track of time- was he going to miss his flight? he'd left his phone in the car so there was no way to tell- but suddenly none of it mattered. 

He felt lost in a way that was more a desperate longing to be found than anything. Just ankle deep in ocean water, he was drowning. 

"Kendall?" He turns, and suddenly it's a picture of two, Kendall in shallow water and James on the sand. "I thought you would be..." He loses "gone by now" on the tip of his tongue. 

"I needed to think." 

"I did too." James laughs helplessly. "It's hard to think about how I'm going to forget you when you're everywhere I go." 

Kendall understands that all too well; James had been there, in the space where the couch had been, on a cleared kitchen counter, in an empty elevator, in a cold pool, and now here. "You don't have to forget me." He said. 

James takes a step into the water and Kendall takes a step towards the shore. "Yeah, I do. How am I supposed to get by without you around?" 

"Then I'll stay." Kendall says. "I want to be where you are." Another step, another two feet closer. 

"No, I'll go back with you. I can go to college too, call off the movie deal. Nothing's set in stone. I can't take Minnesota from you again." 

"There's always other things you can give me." They're face to face now, the tips of their toes almost touching. A wave washes over the back of Kendall's heel and over their feet. He has this determined look on his face, his eyes hard, not backing down. He half said it last time, he'll let James take this one. 

James does. 

It's a proper kiss, one that makes Kendall week kneed and breathless. James's hand is tangled in the hair on the back of Kendall's head and they're curving into each other like they were born to do this. 

"We'll move right here." Kendall says, breathless. "Build a house on this beach." 

"We can paint it yellow." James says. They both know they can't do that, but it's a beautiful dream, anyway. "We can watch the sun set over the ocean every night." 

Kendall nods and pulls him into another kiss. They break apart, and Kendall takes deep breaths beside James's chin. "What are we really going to do?" 

"I don't know what we're going to do today, or tomorrow, or a year from now, but I promise one day I'll bring you back here and I'll ask you to marry me." 

Kendall closes his eyes, lets waves crash over the back of his legs and James's words wash over his skin. 

"I have to get to the airport." 

"Yeah, and I have lines to learn." 

Kendall frowns. "But we'll come back, right?" James presses a kiss to the top of his head. 

"I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is bibolton, come say hi!


End file.
